OK, I have been hiding the last couple of weeks, This is harder that I thought it would be, As I have been delving in to my heart for answers as to what has driven me and what I need to change so many things are just flying to the surface. It is as if Pandora's box is opening with a vengeance.
For instance I have a face book account and I have been in contact with people who mattered in my past, These people used to look at me like I had 2 heads, They were all a size 0-3 and I was a huge size 9-14. I was the Sea hag to their Olive Oil, do you get the picture "). So anyway here I am getting in touch with these people and I am pretty happy, I make sure I only post the pretty pictures, I am comfortable about the fact that I am presenting my best. Then I realized that I have my link to this page posted and they can look at it and at any time read my struggles. OH MY GOSH!!! I totally started to panic, AAAHHHHH THEY ARE GOING TO FIND OUT MY SECRET. They are going to know that I let the weight get the best of me.
I really have had anxiety over this because even though I am putting this out on the WWW, it is still really personal. You may be asking yourself, Hello how can this be personal if you are publishing this for all the world to see. I will explain......
Even though alot of you know me from my other blog, Out of the Mouth the Heart speaks, and you know that I have a good heart and I care for people, You don't know just how very vulnerable this makes me to the people that have actually had some sort of relationship with me. You may not realize that should I happen to meet up with these people that I would be totally looking for that look in their eyes that said Wheeew, I am glad I never returned her affection or Wow she really had no self respect or the confidence enough to say NO to food. Or any number of comments made by one knowing glance my direction. This rejection would be enough to crush me.
Then I really had to have a talk with myself and I said Lori Lyn! (that's me) Enough!!!! You are worth having a friendship with Big or Small, You love people and you do not seek to hurt, You love God and he Loves you enough to save you. So enough with the anxiety and Panic attacks, You are a child of God and If someone is truly looking at your outside "Fluff" to gage your inside "stuff" then Shame on them!!!! That's right Shame on them if they were to say that or do that!.
But even more than that "SHAME ON ME" for allowing hurts of the past to change the direction of the future!
And just so you know I am 200 and too many pounds, which guarantees I will be here at this blog pouring my heart out for some time to come.
Thank you for your support, and your patience!
Blessings
Lori
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5 comments:
I Hope you don't "Hide Out" too long...I really MISS YOU!!!
Hang in there you are thought of, not alone and you and your deepening concerns are being lifting up in prayers.
Love, Jeannene
Hello my Sweet Friend,
I found this poem, and truly hope you find this inspirational as I truly thought of you...;
Out of the Ashes ~ by:Lois Roosa
Out of the ashes, Dear One,
I bring a new hope to you!
Out of life's crumbled wreckage
You'll see what I can do.
Out of a time of helplessness
I'll build a brand new dream;
Though all around looks hopeless now,
Things aren't as they may seem.
Isaiah 61:3&7
Big Hugs,
XO~Nene
It's hard to make oneself vulnerable. However, that's what the Lord did for us so that we might be saved. Remember in the end it truly is about you and him, not them. Becoming comfortable with who we are often means taking a leap of faith. Maybe this is part of your journey to learning to love yourself just as you are and where do you want to go from here.
I have poly cystic ovary syndrome, one of the symptoms is that my body takes any and all sugar I consume and turns it into fat. I can eat very healthy and still gain weight. And that was true for me growing up. I've always been much larger than my peers. I remember feeling bad seeing all the rest of my friends borrow each others clothes, and I never could. I have years of pain. I remember starving most all of my teen years. Being completely perplexed as to how I could possibly be gaining weight and starving and active. I remember in a time of complete sadness, as my mom accused me of sneaking food (which I only ever did maybe twice) and that I was doing it to myself that I completely soaked and stained a pillow with my tears, grabbing my belly just screaming to God "Why!?"
A couple years after that I learned about my PCOS, it made many things make sense. My periods were never in my life regular, I'd get horrible migraines, and now all those things, and some others where all lumped together in one diagnosis. With treating my PCOS I've been able to slow and eventually stop my weight gain, I'm still waiting on the day to be able to loose weight. But something this taught me is that all too often people blame themselves and let others put the blame on them without thinking twice about if it's genetics, or a disease, or something else. I know I shouldn't have the bag of chips once or twice a month that I do, but doesn't everyone eat something like that? It's not like I'm eating trash at every meal. Thinking about these things, seeing how much smaller people ate much worse than me, and seeing just how odd everything is in my case, I just had to stand up and say THIS IS MY PCOS! So now anytime I reintroduce myself to an old friend I start off with talking about my health issues. Maybe it's heavy handed, but I'm tired of the misunderstandings and assumptions. And surprisingly more often than not these friends from my past are more than supportive.
Lori, you may never be a smaller size, and I think before you can try to loose any weight productively you need to try to accept that. Maybe there is something more than just what you eat? Maybe this journey is nothing more than making better choices and exercising, but it doesn't mean you'll necessarily become a skinny minnie someday. You need to be OK with that.
If you are able to change what has always been then that's even better, and what a blessing!? But don't hurt yourself more as you are trying to make things better for yourself!
I hope my words here are of a support. I know all too well that anxiety you mention. I think I feel it the most when I see family I haven't seen in a while. I just get so tired of hearing things that are not productive. I'm already hurting myself as it is and anything other than support really does crush. I hate being in large crowds of people, like the mall. Between my size and walking with a cane I feel all eyes on me and judging me. Kevin wonders how I can see and hear so much from some of the glances I see. I've told him some of the actually comments I've overheard people saying to those they're with and it's appalled him. At first Kevin didn't think that people would be that mean, but he's since heard some of the comments himself, and has become a support to me.
I'm 275 pounds, Until I was 27 I gained 10 pounds every year of my life. I'm now 29 and still 275, considering how my life has been up until now to me this feels like a wonderful victory. Others may not understand that, but to me I feel like I finally have some control on what's going on. But this has taken me a lot of research, medication, and such, and only I and those who care to listen, actually know this journey of mine. Others out there probably see me and think there's someone who loves cake too much (actually I truly don't have a sweet tooth.) Or other IGNORANT THINGS.
I just want you to know that because of my own journey I know much of what you write about personally. I hurt along with you knowing what these things feel like. If you ever need to talk about something you aren't completely comfortable with talking about here, you can do so on FaceBook.
I know our friendship is still new, but I just want you to know that you can trust me and feel comfortable knowing I won't judge, I don't want to be judged myself either.
I'm praying for you my friend. I know this can be a dark and lonely journey. Focus on God's love for you and who you know you are that blesses others. I think these things will be core to your growth and ability to see beyond this one particular issue.
With love and prayers,
Crystal
All you have posted here is true.
Stick to you plan my daughter. You will release that beautiful butterfly soon.
It is going to take time determination and alot of prayer. You have such a support team here and we will cheer you on sweetie.
You are BEAUTIFUL and you do have such a BIG LOVING heart and your true friends won't care how much you weigh. They may be concerned about your health but if they are your friends they too will support you unconditionally.
You are off to a great start Lori. Keep up the good work.
I LOVE YOU
Mom
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